Humorous retellings of your VS adventures

[Maelstrom]

Post a report or story about what has happened to you in our beloved game.  It could be something funny that happened or something decidedly UNfunny that you later could laugh about.

 

The inaugural story is courtesy of @traugdor

 

So, uh… does anyone else have this problem?

So I'm playing on a multiplayer server with a friend of mine. I picked Clockmaker and she picked Blackguard. While she was off mining, I spent an embarrassing amount of time crafting the perfect stew. Like, I’m talking Gordon Ramsay levels of effort here. Red meat, bearded tooth mushrooms (do you know how hard those are to find?!), and turnips—TURNIPS, people. I simmered it all down into what can only be described as “a pot of warm hugs for your soul.”

When it was done, I proudly poured it into a crock, sealed it like the responsible adult I pretend to be, and lovingly placed it on the shelf in our house. I stepped outside for maybe five minutes to check on the bronze I had poured earlier, and when I came back? The crock was empty. EMPTY.

At first, I thought, “Wow, I must’ve been hungrier than I realized.” But then I saw crumbs on the floor. Crumbs. And there, just beyond my window, was a Blackguard trotting off into the sunset, probably picking her teeth with a twig and muttering about “a nice stew that could’ve used more salt.”

WHAT. JUST. HAPPENED?

Is this normal? Are Blackguards, like… food critics in disguise? Should I be flattered or offended? Why do they even want stew? Do they have digestive systems? Can I lure them into a hole with a trail of stew-soaked turnips?

More importantly, HOW DO I STOP THESE GREEDY JERKS FROM EATING MY FOOD?!

Do I need to build a stew vault? Hide my food underground? Barter with them? (Do they like pie better? Should I bake pie?) Or is there some secret mechanic I’ve missed entirely? Because if I can’t keep my hard-earned meals safe, I’m going to have to live off raw bushmeat and regret.

Please help. I’m tired of feeding the local population. And also, I miss my stew. 

 

So let's hear your story, or stories.  The more the merrier!

Edited January 10 by Maelstrom

[Maelstrom]

Drifters are Misunderstood

 

In one of my first worlds way back in 1.14 I was laying down a pathway over a sandy plain when the sand gave way over a deep pit with absolutely no indication of the gaping maw of a ravenous crevasse laying in wait.  I survived the fall with half my health (stoopid pit!) and started looking for a way out when I was greeted by a friendly group of drifters who very kindly solved the problem of my half-full health bar while simultaneously yeeting me back to spawn.  Wish I could have found them again so that I could properly thank them for their very generous and proactive assistance with my problems.

[traugdor]

33 minutes ago, Maelstrom said:

Post a report or story about what has happened to you in our beloved game.  It could be something funny that happened or something decidedly UNfunny that you later could laugh about.

 

The inaugural story is courtesy of @traugdor

 

So, uh… does anyone else have this problem?

So I'm playing on a multiplayer server with a friend of mine. I picked Clockmaker and she picked Blackguard. While she was off mining, I spent an embarrassing amount of time crafting the perfect stew. Like, I’m talking Gordon Ramsay levels of effort here. Red meat, bearded tooth mushrooms (do you know how hard those are to find?!), and turnips—TURNIPS, people. I simmered it all down into what can only be described as “a pot of warm hugs for your soul.”

When it was done, I proudly poured it into a crock, sealed it like the responsible adult I pretend to be, and lovingly placed it on the shelf in our house. I stepped outside for maybe five minutes to check on the bronze I had poured earlier, and when I came back? The crock was empty. EMPTY.

At first, I thought, “Wow, I must’ve been hungrier than I realized.” But then I saw crumbs on the floor. Crumbs. And there, just beyond my window, was a Blackguard trotting off into the sunset, probably picking her teeth with a twig and muttering about “a nice stew that could’ve used more salt.”

WHAT. JUST. HAPPENED?

Is this normal? Are Blackguards, like… food critics in disguise? Should I be flattered or offended? Why do they even want stew? Do they have digestive systems? Can I lure them into a hole with a trail of stew-soaked turnips?

More importantly, HOW DO I STOP THESE GREEDY JERKS FROM EATING MY FOOD?!

Do I need to build a stew vault? Hide my food underground? Barter with them? (Do they like pie better? Should I bake pie?) Or is there some secret mechanic I’ve missed entirely? Because if I can’t keep my hard-earned meals safe, I’m going to have to live off raw bushmeat and regret.

Please help. I’m tired of feeding the local population. And also, I miss my stew. 

 

So let's hear your story, or stories.  The more the merrier!

Oh it wasn't the only time it happened either... so picture this: There I was with an empty pot of stew and a grudge against a certain Blackguard *cough cough* and still needing food. I decided to try something different. Something more portable, more secure, something that whispered, "I'm self-sufficient and in control of my food." I made a pie.

Not just any pie, mind you. This was a black currant pie with a perfect ratio of golden, flaky crust to juicy berry filling. In fact, I even ventured as far as to make two. I sat there and admired it baking in the oven when I felt a familiar presence behind me and heard the dreaded words in the discord voice call.

"You gonna eat that?"

I turned around to see the same Blackguard from before eyeing the half-baked pie in the oven. I closed my eyes in defeat. I heard giggling, unearthly cackles and opened my eyes again in time to see her standing there mid-pie. Not cutting a slice. Not leaving some behind to share. No, she had the unmitigated gall to shove the ENTIRE PIE into her face like some unholy pastry vacuum. Crumbs flying everywhere, filling dripping down her chin. She didn't even let it cool first!

I don't know what to do. My shelves are not safe. I have no hope of surviving the winter with her around, because we both need food!

I think I'm going to start leaving decoys around filled with sand and gravel so I can keep the real food to myself. Or maybe I can just follow her around and steal whatever food SHE makes. Turnabout is fair play, right?

[LadyWYT]

I once had a hole next to my house that I walled off a section of to avoid falling in myself. It did have a way to climb out though, so every once in a while a drifter would spawn down there and make his way up to the rim, pause to throw a rock...only to promptly fall back down into the pit. Since there is a brief wind-up in the rock-throwing animation, this often resulted in the rock getting launched straight up into the air as the drifter disappeared from sight. It was not uncommon to hear a subsequent "thunk" as said rock proceeded to fall back to earth and bonk the drifter on the head.

[Zelger]

The funniest thing i've seen ever in a video game was stumbling upon a wolf casually sleeping at the bottom of a pond, which had a thick layer of ice on top. 

[LadyWYT]

16 hours ago, Zelger said:

The funniest thing i've seen ever in a video game was stumbling upon a wolf casually sleeping at the bottom of a pond, which had a thick layer of ice on top. 

I had a pond incident last night on my Blackguard. Ran across a bear, didn't have armor, jumped into a small pond nearby and swam to the bottom. Since bears don't know how to swim underwater, and seraphs have decent lung capacity, I just sat there on the bottom and poked the bear to death. 10/10 adventure, would do again.

[traugdor]

17 hours ago, LadyWYT said:

I had a pond incident last night on my Blackguard. Ran across a bear, didn't have armor, jumped into a small pond nearby and swam to the bottom. Since bears don't know how to swim underwater, and seraphs have decent lung capacity, I just sat there on the bottom and poked the bear to death. 10/10 adventure, would do again.

I had the exact opposite experience, I jumped into the water and died as the bear came lunging at me from the shore. 0/10, would not recommend tangling with a bear without taking proper precautions.

[ArrayPointer]

Locusts

The way locusts move still creeps me out to no end. They seem more like six-legged glowing spiders.

I distinctly recall my first encounter with locusts and the collection of purple bricks I crapped as I ran from them.

I no longer run from the normal locusts, but every time I bump into the saw-tailed scorpion-like variant, I still jump like I sat on a megawatt electrode.

Regards,

ArrayPointer

[Maelstrom]

When did Tyron Add Statues?

I'm sure a lot of you probably saw this story in a different thread, but I'll retell it here anyways.

Early in my 1.19 world about a year ago I was running around the countryside all nekkid without even a flint spear to my name hunting for early resources, primarily trees if'n I recall correctly.  It was a calm rift activity night and feeling pretty immortal as I ran through a bushy area to the nearest forest to chop down some trees.  I turned the corner around a two block high bush and saw an exquisitely crafted statue.  My first thought was, "I don't recall seeing statues in the patch notes" followed a half second later by "YIPES!" and realizing it wasn't a statue I was admiring in my bewilderment.  It was one of them brown bears standing upon his hind legs looking off into the distance.  Being the courageous blackguard that I am I turned 90 degrees to my right, putting the bear squarely in my rear view mirror and high-tailed it right on outa there.  Like I said, I'm da dwarfy blackguard type of seraph, meaning I'm not as fleet of foot as the hunter type seraphs, and I was absolutely flabbergasted that I managed to escape that bear's tickling touch, let alone being served up as a Seraph soufflé on that brown bear's table.  I never did see that bear again.  Just 6 game months later that bear (more notably it's hide) would have ended up being a fine rug in my homestead. 

[LadyWYT]

Blanket Shiver

So I started a new world in order to try out the hunter class, and get a change of scenery with a warm start. I found some ruins to make camp in, and since there was rift activity as night approached, I did my best to repair the walls to keep out the monsters. Well, despite my best efforts at making the walls three-high, a shiver spawned and adeptly found its way into my camp. While trying to throw spears at it, I ended up right-clicking the hay bed instead, causing my seraph to immediately curl up and start going to sleep rather than fight. Despite the apparent setback, I was apparently still able to throw spears in these last moments of conscious, and somehow avoid being chomped at the same time. I managed to kill the shiver right before falling asleep, and thus spent the night asleep under a rather exotic "blanket".

[LadyWYT]

Rusty the Frog

All right, one more silly story from earlier today. I was exploring the Resonance Archive with a friend(it was his very first time in that place!) and basically just played bodyguard, for the most part, while he lead the way and solved all the puzzles. He was rather spooked by the hum of machinery and the large contraption looming in the middle of the room(you'd think a clockmaker would be used to machinery), but eager to explore and tame a locust(dubbed Steve). The workshop was perhaps where we hit the first hiccup, since he asked if there were any real bells inside and I feigned ignorance. Needless to say, he survived his first encounter with a bell, with Steve there providing plenty of support by taking a nap outside the entrance tunnel.

Alas, poor Steve would take his final rest down in the mines, where my clockmaker friend replaced him with Steve the Second--a stronger corrupted locust. Now I am happy to report that Steve the Second survived, perhaps because his master made him wait in Engineering while making the last repairs on the machines. The clockmaker had expected the fortified door at the back of the room to open once the machinery was repaired--that had to be the way, since there was a "large rusty frog" sitting in the room beyond. It was at this time that I pointed out that since the door did not open, it must just be scenery, and that this was probably how rumors like "Douglas the Death Frog That Croaks in the Night" are born.

We went to go check the library doors after that. The clockmaker tried his best to climb over the pile of rubble blocking the hallway, but we ended up opting instead to clamber down some rusty pipes into a large hole in the floor. It was here that we made the most important discovery: it was not, in fact, a rusty frog in that room. I would like to report, dear reader, that we both survived the ensuing battle without issue. However, clockmakers aren't meant to fly(neither are Blackguards, for that matter), and it was towards the end of the fight that the poor fellow simply collapsed. As luck would have it, I packed extra bandages for just such an emergency, so all was well.

[Maelstrom]

In a blessing from the RNGods, my first excursion into the RA allowed me to clamber through that pile of rubble and enter the library not only from the top but also avoid meeting Douglas the Death Frog until after I had gawked in the darkened library and I came in from the backdoor to dispatch the... mechanical marvel.

[LadyWYT]

10 minutes ago, Maelstrom said:

Douglas the Death Frog

Part of me really hopes the nickname sticks now, so it can go right up there with Dave the Time Giraffe.

[Chuckerton]

I guess i got one. I wanted to try catching some chickens, as i never knew there were basket traps before to catch them with. There was a large flock of about 6-8 chickens nearby my home, and decided i would set my traps there as soon as i could get a few basket traps and some grain to bait it with. 

Anyway, I gather the things to make it but its late and dark, time for bed. I wake up in the morning, heavy thunderstorm. Decide later, or tomorrow would be a better time for those chickens. The strom ends, i go out to look for the herd, cant find em. Nowhere to be seen. Figured they mustve moved off somewhere so i just do other things. 

Later on im gathering sticks and cleaning my local area of bushes and shrubs with some shears when i open up a little clearing, and in it, i keep finding bones. I inspect the bones "tiny set of bones, charred, probably by a lightning strike" My chickens got struck by lightning. Of all of the places for lightning to hit. 

[Maelstrom]

3 hours ago, Chuckerton said:

I guess i got one. I wanted to try catching some chickens, as i never knew there were basket traps before to catch them with. There was a large flock of about 6-8 chickens nearby my home, and decided i would set my traps there as soon as i could get a few basket traps and some grain to bait it with. 

Anyway, I gather the things to make it but its late and dark, time for bed. I wake up in the morning, heavy thunderstorm. Decide later, or tomorrow would be a better time for those chickens. The strom ends, i go out to look for the herd, cant find em. Nowhere to be seen. Figured they mustve moved off somewhere so i just do other things. 

Later on im gathering sticks and cleaning my local area of bushes and shrubs with some shears when i open up a little clearing, and in it, i keep finding bones. I inspect the bones "tiny set of bones, charred, probably by a lightning strike" My chickens got struck by lightning. Of all of the places for lightning to hit. 

Most of the time the RNGods are not so gracious.  As Queen once said...  Lady Mercy won't be home tonight.  I hope you got your chickens 

 

4 hours ago, LadyWYT said:

Part of me really hopes the nickname sticks now, so it can go right up there with Dave the Time Giraffe.

I'll go with Doug.

[LadyWYT]

The Stick Quest

So I was digging about in the game files earlier and bumbled across something rather interesting in the portion that contains character dialogue. Apparently, there is(or was) a potential scenario intended with a trader, in which they could give you a quest to fetch them a stick. Judging by the text, the scenario would play out something like this:

*Player annoys trader constantly, then asks for a quest*

Trader: "Yea, get me a stick so I can smack you off my property!"

*Player leaves, returns later with a stick*

Trader: "Wow thanks so much, now get off my lawn!!"

*Trader proceeds to smack player with the stick*

Now I'm not sure why that code is there, or if it will ever be used...but I really hope it's added someday just for the comedy! There was also a scenario where the player could ask for free stuff, and receive a single piece of garbage(rot) for their insolence.

[BiznesTelch]

So, I am new. I was just fiddling around and was having fun thinking I was all powerful after crafting a knife and ax. But, right as I was checking the Help book (Lord all mighty, my savior) I hear sound. I ignore it, too invest in my readings. Then, a roar, then I am dead. I hear the bear desecrating me as I am devastated at the lost of my items. Its growls mocking me as I respawn.

I stood there and sped run my tools again, grumbling to kill that bear (I will never find it) and killed a bird. Threw rocks, snipping it with smugness.

 

- My first day playing the game.

[7embre]

Two days ago (on stable 1.20) I consumed 12+ liters of pear cider and, after a big laugh while running in a "straight" line, I decided to check my dyed leather for the brand new shield. Aiming at the correct barrel was not an easy task, mind you, and so I decided to hop on top of it and look down inside, only to catch sight of my own hand switching bottom and top of the screen due to how wobbly I was. @Tyron, I love this little bug

 

[Nymue]

I have one, from yesterday:
I walked out of my cellar to check on the lambs I'd caught out in the barn, when out of nowhere, a grizzly lumbers its way into my backyard. I froze, reaching for my spear, in case it decided to get spicy. Instead, it gave my backyard a cursory inspection, and then lumbered right back to where it came from, leaving me shaking in my boots.

No beasts were injured in the making of this post.

[traugdor]

1 hour ago, Nymue said:

I have one, from yesterday:
I walked out of my cellar to check on the lambs I'd caught out in the barn, when out of nowhere, a grizzly lumbers its way into my backyard. I froze, reaching for my spear, in case it decided to get spicy. Instead, it gave my backyard a cursory inspection, and then lumbered right back to where it came from, leaving me shaking in my boots.

No beasts were injured in the making of this post.

Oh I see you found the grizzly from my first single player world that I tangled with a few times. I built a tower of dirt and threw spears at him until he ran away... never did find him again after that. I see now he went to your world and has learned his lesson!

[Ryan Thomas]

I have one, not exactly a knee-slapper, but i think it's kinda cute.

I like to build modern contemporary towns. A male and female goat spawned in my agriculturalist's home:

So, I put a food trough in there, now the goats own the home:

So, now I guess I have an anthropomorphic town, like Animal Farm, except with a happier ending. Poor Boxer