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Ryan Thomas

Outdated in an unexpected way

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What's up? I'm in my early 40s, and I knew my musical tastes would be outdated, but not in the way I was expecting. Once upon a time, I was watching The Simpsons, and I remember them having an episode on music. Abe Simpson said something like "I used to be with it, and then they changed what 'it' was, and now 'it' is loud and confusing to me". And that stands to reason. In the 80s, I was watching MTV, and dad storms in "Girls Girls Girls? No, son, more like Grounded Grounded Grounded". In the early 90s, Nirvana came out, and dad said "I don't know who or what is singing this, but they're going to be singing it in the garbage can". Another time, I came from Quonset Hut, with Alice In Chain's Jar of Flies cd hidden in my jacket. Of course I got busted with it, dad took me back to Quonset Hut, where he had me exchange the cd for..... I can't quite remember. It was called like Chant or something, it had these like Mortal Kombat monk guys floating in the clouds, which was a lot less fun to listen to than it looked. So, I've geared myself for the day when I burst into my son's room and spout something wildly uncool, like "what in the world is that awful racket? It sounds like someone murdering a guitar!" But that's not the way things look like they're gunna go, at all. 


A buddy of mine and I were talking about being teens of the 90s, and he brought up Benchwarmer cards, which were like baseball cards, except they had supermodels on them. I remember my favorite being Billie Inglish. I know I had #52 and 58, but I think there was a third that I never got, so I went to look it up. On a sidenote, don't tell my wife that, or I'm sure I'll be sleeping on the couch; "You can remember the numbers of some chick on a card you had like 30 years ago, but you can't remember where you put the Firestick remote last week?!?" I did find what I was looking for, but I had to sift through a ton of crap about someone named Billie Eilish. Not a name I'm familiar with, so I looked at a picture. I saw a girl, maybe 17 or 18, black flat-ironed hair, dog collar and goth jewelry, so I was thinking "ok, maybe this is like Ozzy's granddaughter? Or Robert Smith's granddaughter? Maybe like a relative of somebody like Lita Ford? Or Dez Fafara?" This gal didn't look like she could belt out a crunchy tune, but I was expecting something like..... hmm, maybe pre-goth? I mean, come on, you don't wear getup like that and get on stage to sing Camptown Races, ya know? So, I listened to some song of hers, "ocean..." something. Sweet heavens, I'm shocked. I try not to purposely offend anyone, so if you dig her, awesome, she has more fame than I probably ever will, probably has more videos on whatever replaced MTV than I've got. But good gravy, man, I've never heard that level of sap before. I've been all geared up for the day when music makes my ears bleed. Instead, it's turned to like a cotton candy, kitten whisker and puppy dog tail, lemonade, Skittles sunshine  burp. This isn't the way I was supposed to become musically outdated :( Granted, big whoop, two tears in a bucket, but still, this is a little bit of a bummer :( lol.    

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