Apparently the answer to all of my problems is to scare the bug by messaging the admins.
Not ten seconds after I sent in an official bug report, it just starting working for seemingly no reason.
I have no clue what caused it, I don't know how I would even go about documenting this for anyone else having the same problem. I relaunched my server for the hundreth time, logged into it, and was met with a prompt to update things. I clicked yes on "make a backup file", it ran some processes, I restarted the server, logged back in, and everything was fixed.
Solved...I guess?