What's Your Humorous Story?

[Maelstrom]

2 hours ago, Echo Weaver said:

This is my exact experience with those !@#$ doors. I installed Crude Building Elements just to give myself an alternative. 

-100 do not like those doors.

wicker fence gate?

[Professor Dragon]

2 hours ago, Teh Pizza Lady said:

But it's funnier that way! Especially when you can make jokes and memes about blackguards not knowing how to use doors and just blowing them off their hinges!

I think we know why your food get eaten now.  

2 hours ago, Maelstrom said:

wicker fence gate?

They're a solid option! Only three sticks and a knife.

Every single "travelers hut" that I build gets a wicker gate outside of its door.
The wicker gate stops the drifters from clipping through the door at night.
I know it is only a visual glitch, but it just makes things much nicer when the outside drifters are staying outside when they are outside.

 

Edited November 11, 2025 by Professor Dragon

[Echo Weaver]

Today in extreme animal husbandry: My female giant deer is ready to mate, but she hasn't gotten pregnant. I'm feeding them plenty of grass. What's up?

Oh. Giant deer don't eat grass.

Well that sucks. They have grazing animations ffs.

Edited November 12, 2025 by Echo Weaver

[BiancaMoon]

This is my little vine cellar, the Aqua vitae barrel is moved in the corner and clearly labeled because I drank a jug of it and was severely drunk whole day and night and part of morning. I wanted to clear out some blueberry juice before it spoils and did not look closely at what am I taking.

[BiancaMoon]

Sorry if I am spamming this, I won't post any more

But I went to leisure cave exploring looking for lead. I found this little dungeon with just one bed inside and all of these fellows.... I wonder what were they doing

[Maelstrom]

Don't worry about spamming.   Just make sure it's funny!

That must have been one hell of a rave!   Although...
 

 

[LadyWYT]

3 hours ago, BiancaMoon said:

I found this little dungeon with just one bed inside and all of these fellows.... I wonder what were they doing

Oh that's just Dave playing the Sims in VS; I wouldn't worry about it too much.

[Teh Pizza Lady]

6 hours ago, BiancaMoon said:

This is my little vine cellar, the Aqua vitae barrel is moved in the corner and clearly labeled because I drank a jug of it and was severely drunk whole day and night and part of morning. I wanted to clear out some blueberry juice before it spoils and did not look closely at what am I taking.

Might try lighting up that corner a little better... just so you can CLEARLY read the sign. I say this because I still wouldn't trust myself.

Speaking of Aqua Vitae, I had a little incident completing story location 1 where I dunked the entire stack of 13 bandages into my jug and soaked up all but 0.4 liters of the stuff. I only used half of them before they dried out.

Oopsie.

[Maelstrom]

14 hours ago, Teh Pizza Lady said:

Might try lighting up that corner a little better... just so you can CLEARLY read the sign. I say this because I still wouldn't trust myself.

Speaking of Aqua Vitae, I had a little incident completing story location 1 where I dunked the entire stack of 13 bandages into my jug and soaked up all but 0.4 liters of the stuff. I only used half of them before they dried out.

Oopsie.

I'd put a lol reaction on there too if we could do multiple reactions.  so here's the

[Straille]

i'm going to post this here even tho i don't know that it's particularly "humorous" but i don't really think it needs its own thread, especially since i'm not one to remember to take screenshots

anyway, yesterday as i was heading out to collect some peat, i saw smoke
uh oh, lightning caused a forest fire
i'm only one person barely entering my copper age, but i quickly set about seeing what i can do to mitigate the damage
i grabbed a bucket and watering can, as well as a couple of useless flint axes
after a bit, the fire wore itself out, but to the south there was more smoke, and lots of it; there was a lot more forest there for a hungry fire to gobble up
i like having fire spread and lightning fire on for realism, and even tho it was quickly becoming "too real" i was hesitant to turn it off
however, my game had been stuttering a bit here and there, and it was progressively getting worse
i even prayed to whatever eldritch god might grant some rain, as there was lightning but it didn't seem to be raining (i used a command), but that didn't seem to work
my slapping at leaves wasn't really helping much, and i certainly couldn't chop a tree before it turned to ash, let alone enough to prevent the spread

just as i was about to turn fire spread off, the game crashed
i managed to get back in and turn it off, but it continued to chug even after the fire was out, so i turned off a few mods (one had been throwing some errors i was ignoring), including realistic smoke
so a pretty good sized chunk of my forest is now a clearing
the silver lining is that i was able to go around collecting meat and hides, which i had been sorely lacking
my main source of protein is fish, and i'm still using reed baskets for inventory... even with creatures set to never hostile, i don't want to try fighting them...

after the fire, it started raining, long and hard 
i kept trying various weather commands in an attempt to get it to stop, but it really wanted to rain for five days
i went into creative so i could fly around to look at the clouds and they're huuuuge
even adding a weather mod didn't stop the rain, but i think there's only one day left

if only i thought to take screenshots because it was a scary sight
i stayed up all night trying to take care of the fire, and i use the sleep need mod, so my character was really worn out after that
i'm considering turning spread back on, but maybe leaving realistic smoke disabled if that was the main issue

[Lil Turtle]

Zinc For Yourself

After locating some Sphalerite, I decided to do some strip mining so I could craft some permanent torch holders.  When it comes to propicking, I consider myself a seasoned veteran, able to quickly hone in on ore veins as I propick through the rock strata.  After 2 minutes of digging, my propick hits; medium amounts of zinc 

I proceeded to spent the next hour propicking in circles.  Up, down, left right, no matter where I went, it kept reading "medium amounts of zinc nearby".  Sometimes it would drop to "small amounts" and i would turn back. 

As time went on, I got more and more frustrated until I eventually gave up and went back to my base.  Upon checking my inventory, I noticed i had 10 nuggets of zinc.  Turns out zinc is almost visually indistinguishable from regular granite, and I had been mining through it the whole time.  

I went back and got enough to finally make some torch holders.

Edited November 20, 2025 by Lil Turtle

[Vratislav]

On 11/16/2025 at 4:36 PM, Straille said:

but it really wanted to rain for five days

For these rainy seasons, I usually check also rainfall when making decision about base. Once, I had a world, where the only place with medium fertility soil had raifall like 96% and it was really rainning almost permanently just from the begining. As it was early game, I did not have valid room in the base, and hearing all that heavy rain sound for hours made me almost mad. I finally gave up the world, not because of bears, wolves or drifters, only because of that continuous rainfall!

[LadyWYT]

Why Most Blackguards Are Nearsighted

There I was, hanging out with my hunter friend at the end of a long day, and discussing the finer points of combat. Specifically, ranged combat, in this case. I'm not entirely sure why, but for some reason I'm the better shot of the two of us, and often hit my targets at range while the hunter...erm...struggles a bit even on a good day. Perhaps it has something to do with the hunter's affinity for raiding the wine cellar, but it could also be the hunter's strange snacking habits, as I saw him munching on some pickled turnips the other day that were quite clearly well past their expiration date.

In any case, there we were, discussing archery techniques, specifically, whether bows were better than spears. That lead to discussing how much faster the bow draws, with very little shot drift, and of course quite a bit of goofing around with drawing mock shots to test, but never actually firing them. Of course, this was about the time I glanced over at my hunter friend, only to witness the man standing there with a silly grin, giggling like a schoolgirl while aiming his bow in my general direction. And of course...this is also about the time his fingers slipped...

Now I know I said earlier that his aim leaves a lot to be desired, however, this is one time he unfortunately didn't miss. Because the shot definitely hit the target he was aiming at. Unfortunately, that target also happened to be my face. I had always chalked up the saying "Watch out for the hunters, they'll shoot your eye out!" to be just standard Blackguard humor, but in hindsight, it seems perhaps the saying was rooted in truth.

[hstone32]

@Teh Pizza Lady and @LadyWYT, you two seem to be an endless fountain of amusing anecdotes. Makes me wish you two had a youtube channel so I could watch the wacky adventures you have together.

[LadyWYT]

8 minutes ago, hstone32 said:

Makes me wish you two had a youtube channel so I could watch the wacky adventures you have together.

In fairness, the stories, while funny things that actually happened, do get embellished a bit. And some of the drama you really don't want to witness given how thunderous the arguments can get. 

[Teh Pizza Lady]

40 minutes ago, LadyWYT said:

In fairness, the stories, while funny things that actually happened, do get embellished a bit. And some of the drama you really don't want to witness given how thunderous the arguments can get. 

Yeah like me wandering in to the kitchen because there was at least 4 servings left in the cookpot... "HEY DID YOU EAT THE LAST BOWL OF FOOD AND NOT COOK MORE??"

Or trying to make food for winter and catching someone with her spoon in the cookpot... "HEY STAY OUT OF THE FOOD I'M TRYING TO PUT IT IN CROCKS, IF YOU'RE HUNGRY EAT A TURNIP!"

 

Meanwhile the blackguard is standing there making hungry noises like her lack of planning for an empty stomach is somehow my problem.

or the lore arguments/discussions...

[EDIT]

Actually losing count how many bears I ran into on my way to the first chapter 2 location was pretty funny.

Edited November 21, 2025 by Teh Pizza Lady

[LadyWYT]

13 minutes ago, Teh Pizza Lady said:

Meanwhile the blackguard is standing there making hungry noises like her lack of planning for an empty stomach is somehow my problem.

In fairness, my planning doesn't take into account the hunter running off with the last couple servings of food when I ask about it and leaving behind the empty cookpot either. 

[Maelstrom]

I concur with @hstone32.   Those times need to be recorded and preserved on the Utoobs!

[Teh Pizza Lady]

So.... we installed SlowTox...

Currently the blackguard is out in the front yard asking if the drifters are real while blindly swinging her sword. She came in, steadied herself against the wall and slowly looked around the room.

I asked... how much did you drink?

"uh... a liter...      and two more mugs full?"

[LadyWYT]

18 hours ago, Teh Pizza Lady said:

steadied herself against the wall

I'm not even sure it was the wall, to be honest...

Edit: It's worth noting that the alcohol in question was cherry brandy, which is much stronger stuff than the standard brews. A liter and two mugs will absolutely get one hammered in short order.

Edited November 25, 2025 by LadyWYT

[Maelstrom]

[LadyWYT]

Bear With It

Had just finished Chapter 2 with my hunter friend the other night and was in the process of riding back home. We had covered about half the distance when he had to go AFK for a few minutes. In the process of sitting there waiting patiently(and totally not carefully parking my elk's hindquarters right in front of his face), I noticed a large brown bear lumbering its way over a nearby hill and shuffling its way closer. Hunter was still away, so that left two options: deal with, or leave it and see what happens.

Of course I opted for the former--I'm not a complete monster! Donning my armor, I hopped off my elk and charged to meet the furry intruder. In the middle of the resulting brawl, hunter returned to his keyboard, of course, and had to figure out what on earth was happening since he could only hear the carnage taking place and not actually see it. About the time he stumbled away to get a clear view was about the time I killed the bear...or so I thought. Turns out that while I hit it hard enough for it to produce sad bear noises, it was a very good actor and used the moment's confusion to make a break away from me...and straight for the hunter.

I could only watch in horrified amazement as the injured bear proceeded to chase my hunter friend around in a circle before...uh...hugging him to death. I managed to dispatch the bear shortly after, and revive my friend of course, but if you thought we were out of the woods you would be sorely mistaken. The rift activity went from calm to apocalyptic about this time, and remained that way for most of the ride home. In spite of that fact, we did manage to make it home in one piece.

[Heart_Afire]

The Adventures of Three Screwballs: Part 1

This is Me. You're probably wondering how I ended up with a crossbow bolt lodged squarely in my gluteus maximus, huh?

Well, allow me to introduce my friends, Mars the Clockmaker and Silver the Tailor, both of whom I often have to mind, being the innocent and serious-minded Hunter that I am.

Well, it so happened that the three of us were on an expedition towards the beginning of Chapter 2 (I assume), and two of us were riding Elk. Being the hunter that I am, I often would peel off from the caravan to go and gather food and forage for our group, as the other two tend to ignore the concept of free wild food in favor of just munching bread instead.

I'm returning from a mushroom hunt, bag loaded with delectable fungus, when I see a wolf going after Mars and his Elk. I immediately draw my bow and fire, only for the wolf to jump away at the last second. Fortunately for everyone involved, the arrow thuds into a tree nearby. However, Mars, being the crybaby clockmaker he is, still takes offense to what was a simple missed shot. A small argument ensues until Silver (our nominal leader) tells us to cut it out and be glad I missed.

Fast forward to the end of our journey, a crack in the ground leading to some Underground Ruins. Naturally I immediately set about building us a proper shelter and a small stable for our elk, as night had already fallen and bowtorn were shrieking around our fires. I spy one such bowtorn and slink away to snipe it in the dark...clean hit, right in the head.

Only to suddenly SHRIEK myself as I feel something pierce through my gambeson and right into my [Beep]ing [BEEP]!

I whirl around to find Mars there, holding a crossbow and looking innocent. "Oh, sorry, I thought you were one of those bowtorn..." he says. Like I believe that for a second.

And that is why I am currently lying on my belly on a hay-bed with my lower gambeson removed, while Silver gets a lovely view of the bolt perfectly pierced into my posterior as he gets a sewing kit ready.

This is going to be a looooong dungeon crawl...

[LadyWYT]

10 hours ago, Heart_Afire said:

This is going to be a looooong dungeon crawl...

I mean...if I took a bolt to the posterior, I'd be crawling too! 

[Teh Pizza Lady]

1 hour ago, LadyWYT said:

I mean...if I took a bolt to the posterior, I'd be crawling too! 

you didn't crawl when you took one to the face. You came charging at me...er.. uh the other hunter that shot you... yeah.