What's Your Humorous Story?

[Maelstrom]

Now, now girls.   No need to get all catty.  

[Heart_Afire]

10 hours ago, LadyWYT said:

I mean...if I took a bolt to the posterior, I'd be crawling too! 

Rest assured that I sure as [beep] ain't gonna sit this dungeon out...

[Heart_Afire]

Cherry Pies, or How I got my Nickname:

The Queen of Hearts, she made some Tarts
All on a Summer's Day

It is our second year in our multiplayer server, and as our resident hunter and wanderer, I have been exploring for a long time, marking fruit trees and occasionally taking cuttings. While some of those have taken, most don't (darn 40% take chance...wish different fertility increased the chances...) so we still rely on wild fruit trees.

However, one bit of joyous luck is that we have a wild cherry tree literally not even a hundred blocks from our front door. And then three others within a quarter day's walking distance. I, being the hunter that I am, have taken to gathering these fruits while astride my trusty elk, Prancer.

....He was originally Silver's, don't blame me, okay?

At any rate, we had more than a few cherries by the time I was done, easily over three stack's worth of the delicious fruits. And this is where the trouble started.

Of note is that Silver, our Tailor, is our leader and also the cook for our little group. I provide the ingredients but he is the one that turns them into true deliciousness. He took two stacks of cherries and juiced them into cider, leaving one stack for baking, which he immediately set about doing. Eight cherries to a pie, sixty four cherries in total, sixteen lumps of rye dough, and two active ovens later, and there were a total of eight plump...juicy...warm...so tart and delicious pies...just sitting there...

The Knave of Hearts, he stole the Tarts
And took them clean away

Of course, being the active hunter that I am, I need nourishment that is both filling and portable. Cherry Pies fit the bill oh so perfectly. And so I, innocent hunter that I am, asked if I could take some of the pies. Silver told me yes.

Next thing, I was out the door with all eight of those pies squirreled away into one of my backpacks, jumping onto Prancer's back for my next adventure! And it was solely for the sake of adventure, not because I knew that Silver would notice the theft or anything like that, for certain!

And if any of you know how that rhyme ends...well, that's another story and will be told another time.

[Maelstrom]

I will be anxiously awaiting Paul Harvey's The Rest of the Story.

[LadyWYT]

10 hours ago, Heart_Afire said:

The Knave of Hearts, he stole the Tarts
And took them clean away

Are you sure you're not a Blackguard? Maybe you're the cousin of my hunter friend, given that he enjoys cleaning out the cookpot in front of me. 

 

1 hour ago, Maelstrom said:

Paul Harvey

Now there's a name I've not heard in a long time!

[OBAMFSpike]

On 12/5/2025 at 9:14 AM, LadyWYT said:

Now there's a name I've not heard in a long time!

If he was a household name, there'd likely be less trouble in the here in now in 2025. But if I were the devil, what would I know?

 

[OBAMFSpike]

On 11/21/2025 at 12:40 PM, Maelstrom said:

I concur with @hstone32.   Those times need to be recorded and preserved on the Utoobs!

I see a marvelous opportunity for several of you recognizable accounts in the forums. You all would make quite the community. And it's always interesting seeing others builds. The ideas that are shared when minds come together can be rather phenomenal. Anyways, just a thought. So many servers. One day at a time. 

[Maelstrom]

I'm not a very good builder.   I'm a phenomenal prankster though, which would probably lead to a lot more additions to this thread.

[OBAMFSpike]

Well the Jester has been needed in many a court! No?

[Maelstrom]

The court would not appreciate this joker.

I joined a server for a bit last year (maybe year before).  During the introductory tour one of the tour guides put down his lantern whilst talking with the other tour guide.   I picked it up and ran, eliciting a most hilarious reaction of fear and anger.   Later I gifted the server master with a few beenades.     

Then there was building a 4x5 ring of obsidian blocks at the tunnel entrances of the translocators.

[LadyWYT]

I can definitely build, as well as manage the rest of the game with a fair bit of competence(usually). That being said, when it comes to "funnies" I'm generally playing off the personalities of people I know pretty well, and not really great solo(in my opinion). Plus making a video series or streaming takes quite a lot of work in order to achieve a quality product; I'm not sure I really want to sink the time into it, or deal with the general public in that regard either.

[Maelstrom]

There's Magic in VS I Tell You!

There's the optional ritual of sticky items that keeps one from losing their s#%t when you decide against rage quitting.   There's that certain item that instantly heals you and teleports you home when consumed (I believe there is a certain despised blackguard who has unknowingly invoked such culinary sorcery).   There's magical blocks of soil that don't fall despite removing all methods of support.  Once upon a time seraphim could hold near molten metal harmlessly yet catch fire from pit kilns.

And then there's this one trader I found back in 1.17.   Visiting this particular trader was... well, an adventure.  A death defying adventure.   Every. Single. Time.  To even get to this trader's location I had to traipse about 2,500 blocks from my home, through wolf infested forests (yes, plural and this is 1.17 so no bears.  But wolves chase you.  And chase you and chase you some more.   And just when you thought you had escaped they were still hot on your heels like white on rice!  I once had a wolf chase me 1/3 of the way of that 2,500 block run, but I digress and that's probably a story for another time anyways.)  After the wolves of unuasual aggression came a storm laden desert on the edge of a large lake to a translocator that takes one about 8,000 blocks farther south.   Far enough south that flax will grow quite well year round.   So I set about setting up a survival hut above the cursed translocator, said hut on the shores of a lake and said translocator was only about 30 blocks below sea level but routinely spawned sawblade locusts.   But all of that isn't what made visiting this particular trader a death defying adventure.  

"WHAT?!  Those sawblades weren't the dangerous part?" you might wonder.   No.  They weren't.  They were merely an inconvenience compared to the death defying feats necessary to even speak with this trader.

You see, this trader had somehow managed to parked his wagon over a deadly gaping murder hole.  This hole was a good 8 blocks in diameter and somehow this trader managed to levitate his wagon in such a way that only one wheel had contact with the ground.  Although, I suppose he may have originally parked all four wheels on ground; but it wasn't solid ground as the soil under three of the wheels had collapsed into the murder hole he now levitated above.  But that's my speculation on the matter.  To gain audience with such audacious capitalist one would hop; strike that.  Leap across the gaping maw o' death parallel to the rim upon which he so expertly parallel parked, grab onto his ladder and climb to safety.  While the fall into said murder hole wasn't an instant death from a sudden stop after a long fall (no, that particular murder hole was a very well concealed hole about 200 blocks from home that I often had to avoid visiting the subject of this particular travelog, but I digress yet again.)   No, it would be death by beating.  Unless one was prepared to beat a hasty retreat up the cliff face of said death maw or beat back the menacing horde that decided to ascend from the black abyssal depths below to make your acquaintance and send you home, thankyouverymuch.

One particular visit I showed up to harvest my field of flax (256 plots in the field) which was a few short days from ripe.   So I, *ahem* hopped over to the trader to see what I could sell him.  Hmmm... cooked red meat.  Shouldn't be hard as I saw plenty of rabbits a minute ago in the moat surrounding my flax farm.  I think there were a couple of other things I could gather locally to make a couple quid off 'im.  Leap back to safety, hunt said rabbits, collect some peat (iirc), cook said redmeat and then a temporal storm is approaching.    Oooooh boy.   Finish cooking the red meat just in time for the land to start going all wibbly wobbly in the timey wimey shenanigans (thank you Jonas, may you rot in the rust world forever!)  I gulped a time or three and leaped as I get a nice good evening greeting in the back.  Sweating and shaking from narrowly avoiding the deadly murder maw below I ascended the ladder to complete my capitalist endeavors, all the while getting beaned in the back from the locals.  Fortunately, the trader was a kind soul and let me sleep off the sea billow rolling ground event going on outside.

I'm still convinced that trader was a freaking wizard.

[Heart_Afire]

How I got my Nickname, Part 2:

The King of Hearts called for the Tarts...

"HEART! When I said you could take some of the pies I did NOT mean ALL of them! Get your metal-scaled [beep] back here!!!" came the call from the house about two minutes after I had left.

Fortunately for me, Prancer is a fast elk, and I myself am wise to the ways of the woods. In point of fact one of my personal rules is that I always carry the supplies to set up a small but permanent shelter, and these shelters dot the land. They're hard to find unless you know precisely what to look for, though. My little hidey-holes.

All of this, of course, meant that when I heard that yell from Silver, it spurred me to gently kick Prancer into a gallop and put some blocks between our dear leader and myself. After all, adventure awaited me and I didn't have time for the niceties of Tailors and Clockmakers. No, no, I was on a mission, one to find new places and new traders!

After a good two hours spent galloping, I had managed to put more than a few hundred blocks between myself and that tailor friend of mine. Added bonus, I was near one of my shelters, and with the sun going down it was a good idea to stop. Night is not a safe time on our world.

I set Prancer up in the stable, giving him plenty of rye, before settling in to the shelter. The pies had cooled off by that point, but my hunger bar was still pretty much full, so a single slice did for the remainder when washed down with some whitecurrant wine to slake my thirst.

My general needs met, I banked the fire in the shelter and made sure there was no light outside that would give me away before laying down to spend the night peacefully.

And beat the Knave full sore!

So imagine my surprise when I find myself dragged out of bed by a tailor who, by all rights, shouldn't be able to pull a chicken out of a reed trap! Yep, pulled from my bed by my ear by a tailor who managed to track me down, find my shelter, get in through my locks, and then manhandle (Seraph-handle?) me out of bed before whacking me with a big stick!

After he'd managed to knock off a few health points, suddenly he pointed a flintlock at me! "Pies, NOW" he ordered.

Of course I moved to immediately comply, quickly reaching into my bag and throwing seven of the pies back to him. Only for him to switch back to that stick and whack me once more.

"Come onnnn..."

"ALL of them."

Well, what else could I do? I set down the eighth pie and he grabbed it too, hoisting them into his bag and turning around. "Don't let this happen again. Curb your hoarding instinct." he ordered, before getting on Mars's elk (I guess Mars let him borrow him?) and cantering off.

So, there I was, now  without my pies, having lost a third of my health, and now just huffy that I didn't even get to keep a single one of them! Completely unfair!

The Knave of Hearts brought back the tarts
And vowed he'd steal no...

Yeah, no. I'll totally do it again if I get the chance. Cherry pies are just toooo delicious.

[Broccoli Clock]

Maybe less of a humorous story and perhaps a humorous moment.

I am in a new playthrough, started it about 40 hours ago, I had thought I'd started the world in a warmer climate than normal, not equator but warmer. I get towards November and I'm noticing the colour of everything is changing.

That's fine, I'm in a warmer climate, right?

I didn't plant a farm or create a greenhouse because why should I need to, it's a warmer climate, berry bushes, hunting and random crops will still be available. It got colder.

That's fine, I'm in a warmer climate, right?

Wait, the berry bushes have stopped flowering, that's not good. Better get a simple farm up and running, won't need a greenhouse.

After all, I'm in a warmer climate, right..

It was at this very moment, I realise I "done f*cked up"...

It's December, the snow is now definitely falling, the crops I put down struggled to grow and are now giving half yield, and the weather is getting so cold that I have to harvest them despite not being fully grown. It's a choice between nothing, or a return of the seeds with a small % drop for the crop.

 

It'll all be fine... after all, I'm in a warmer climate, right..

Edited December 13, 2025 by Broccoli Clock

[LadyWYT]

3 hours ago, Broccoli Clock said:

It's December, the snow is now definitely falling, the crops I put down struggled to grow and are now giving half yield, and the weather is getting so cold that I have to harvest them despite not being fully grown. It's a choice between nothing, or a return of the seeds with a small % drop for the crop.

 

It'll all be fine... after all, I'm in a warmer climate, right..

Oof, it sounds like you might have managed to settle in a temperate chunk, despite the warmer start. As I recall from my foray into a warm start, the weather did get cold in the winter and dipped below freezing for a night or two, but the freezing threshold was pretty much the lower limit. Crops that tolerate cold would still grow just fine over the winter.

[Broccoli Clock]

16 hours ago, LadyWYT said:

Oof, it sounds like you might have managed to settle in a temperate chunk, despite the warmer start. As I recall from my foray into a warm start, the weather did get cold in the winter and dipped below freezing for a night or two, but the freezing threshold was pretty much the lower limit. Crops that tolerate cold would still grow just fine over the winter.

I'm forever bumping my gums about how Winter isn't all that, time to put that into practise! I'll be fine, after all I have Primitive Survival and it has a pretty op (for early game) fishing...

Spoiler

That's if it doesn't freeze over...

 

[Maelstrom]

Like TOBG water don't freeze if there is a block obstructing it's view of the starry sky.  If you catch my meaning.

[Broccoli Clock]

2 minutes ago, Maelstrom said:

Like TOBG water don't freeze if there is a block obstructing it's view of the starry sky.  If you catch my meaning.

Yeah, they looked like they would stay unfrozen, and now I'm passed the worst of the Winter the ice never really spread more than some "crusting" at the shoreline.

Those fishing hooks (Primitive Survival mod) are definitely OP compared to vanilla. They catch even in the depths of Winter, with or without bait although I do have lures attached.

[Slam]

Average story involving wolfs

I was sitting a large amount of meat, and hides, all about to go bad, and my nearby trader wasn’t selling any lime nor salt, however there was a trader a couple thousand blocks who could sell those items, so off I went to do some trading, “it would be a quick in and out” I said to my self, “make a simple detour to sell some stuff and buy what I need”. However local bear had different a diffrent idea. Death 1, 2 thousand blocks away from stuff, I signed* and went back, no bear, went to continue to my journey, but when I reach the trader selling stuff I need, there are 7 wolfs in the area, I’m died again, I run back, gets dark, wolf, died again, forget temporal storm was about to happen, die two more times before giving up and waiting it out, get my stuff somehow, trade, didn’t have salt, leave, wolf, died again, go back, don’t see wolf, grab stuff, wolf, died again, got my stuff again without getting ganked, realize trader restocked, go back, trade, somehow didn’t die.

results, died like 7 times, walk nearly 2 thousand block per death, 4 died wolfs, never going there again, made a post about armor reliably, commit to boat, 100% success.

Edited December 15, 2025 by Slam

[Teh Pizza Lady]

I can feel the rage fueling you to keep going here.

[Broccoli Clock]

14 hours ago, Teh Pizza Lady said:

I can feel the rage fueling you to keep going here.

There is nothing that gets the blood pumping faster than a good ol' fashing death spiral; add in cave-ins, a timer to get back to your body, your body being reachable on foot (just) before the items despawn, and some mob/animal spawn camping those items. Oh, and it's dark, and the your death glow doesn't last long enough to reach your body.

I've been there, I'm sure most have been there, sounds like @Slam has been there... it makes the wording of the "rage quit" button all the more tempting!

 

[LadyWYT]

7 hours ago, Broccoli Clock said:

mob/animal spawn camping those items

Come to think of it, the other block game might actually be somewhat worse in that regard, given that zombies can pick up certain items and use them. 

[LadyWYT]

When You Don't Have a Spear...

I was returning from a coal mining trip one sunny winter afternoon, when I noticed a magnificent buck bounding through the nearby forest. He had a very nice pair of antlers and of course the meat would be a welcome addition to the pantry as well. Not that the pantry is bare or anything, but Blackguard instincts are very strong when it comes to food.

There was one problem though, and that was the distinct lack of spears. I had not yet acquired a bow and arrows, and since I was on a mining expedition I brought along only my trusty sword in addition to my pickaxe. The sole ranged option I did have...rocks. 

It only took a few tries to annoy the buck to the point of assault, at which time I simply employed my blade and had a nice rack of venison to take home for dinner.

[Zane Mordien]

I swager into the RA for the for the 30 or 40th time, I lost count. The boss.. I'm not worried. I beat him every time with no issues. As I'm walking along the first platform thinking, maybe the tier 4 mobs in the mines will be an issue, I get hit and knocked back by the first Tier 2 drifter and sent flying back over the edge of the platform to my death. 

It never even occurred to me to worry about dying right at the start from a knock back.

[williams_482]

In my first world after purchasing the game, generated in 1.20, I spawned in a small grassland flanked by two tall plateaus. I had hunted seemingly every nearby wild animal to extinction in my first year, and now was franticly trying to find pigs and sheep to capture and domesticate. Eventually a solitary ram spawned which I (at great personal cost) lured into a pen, but finding a ewe proved more difficult. I decided to give the plateaus another look. 

After climbing to the top of one of them and wandering around the circumference looking for animals stuck on small ledges, I was in luck! there was a bighorn lamb (sex unknowable from range) trapped on a two block outcropping against the side of a sheer cliff. Being unfamiliar with the intricacies of animal behavior, I figured I should be able to work my way over to a nearby ledge, build it an escape route to ground level, and herd it into my pen from there. But once the lamb noticed me climbing towards it, it panicked and took the only possible action to escape. I watched as this lamb launch itself into open air 50 blocks above ground level, then in mid flight mature into an adult ram before crashing to it's death on the ground below.

Free extra meat, I guess. I'll take it.